Happy mother's day

I just screamed as hard as I could.

The kids were eating dinner. I was cleaning up. They were screaming over each other. Trying to blame each other of various things and making each other look bad. Not listening after me asking hem something several times. Bad table manners. And the constant screaming. So much negativity... :(

I screamed from the top of my lungs.

Stop it, stop screaming, stop being mean to each other. We're a family, we're supposed to be there for each other and not constantly look for ways to make each other look bad.

I screamed really loud. Thank goodness the windows were closed. but still..

Raul started crying. Robin started crying. I started crying. Quintin didn't cry but gave me hugs and asked why my eyes were black. Then he brought me a flower.

Wow, it sure sucks raising 3 kids alone. I'm so busy and stressed and overwhelmed half the time, that I constantly think I'm not doing enough. My house doesn't feel as happy and relaxed as it used to. We used to eat our meals together every day. Now it's often in shifts. Everything always is rushed.

I'm afraid I'm going to screw up my kids. That I am not doing enough to keep them on the right track.

I try as best as I can though, trying to find a balance between keeping my sanity and being there for them.

But it sure is frigging hard.

That's why I'm giving myself off this mother's day. The kids are happy because they love the baby sitter. We'll do fun stuff together on Saturday. Then sat night I'll leave until Mon morning.

So I'll be happy this mother's day weekend as well. As much as i love my kids, I survive on little breaks here and there.

I imagine the inside of my head as a big jumble on "to do's" flying around. And some get half done, and some don't get done at all. That's why whenever I can cross something off, even the tiniest thing, it feels like a huge victory.

My victories for today: Finally filling out the 401K forms from Kelvin's employer and mailing them, after having them for 8 months. And making summer plans. camps, family visits in Jersey and Holland. At least i got started on that. It's hard because you can't plan one without knowing about the other..

Oh well, the kids are in bed, and, no worries, everyone went to bed happy, and knowing i love them. And that it isn't their fault, but that it is just really hard for mommy to always do everything right. And of course, that it helps if they pitch in and to behave their best. We're in this together..

I wish we could always be in the Cayman Islands....

Happy Mother's day!

Oh, and I don't mean that in a cynical way.

We mother's all deserve a happy mother's day.

Because, let's be honest, being a mother is one of the craziest, hardest, exhausting yet rewarding and loving jobs a woman will ever do. The negative often overshadowing the positives, but those positives will keep showing through to keep us going. (oh and there are so many of those in a day really)

And when you start that whole adventure, you have no clue what will be on your path. But hopefully one day, I'll look back and realize my kids have grown up to be descent pleasant adults. And it'll all be worth it.