It's Christmas eve. I'm in Holland. My second Christmas eve alone, but I chose to spend it at the little house where we used to stay when Kel was still around, instead of at my mom and dad's house.

The kids are finally asleep. I'm exhausted from skipping a night due to the flight, but yet not tired enough to just pass out.

I feel alone. The last time I slept in this house, Kel slept here too.

That night before he died.

How I wished we'd spent that day differently.I miss him so much.

A few days before he died, I had a nightmare. In this same bed I'm sitting in now. I dreamt that Kelvin was lost, and I couldn't find him. I panicked, searched everywhere. Eventually, I found him on an island in some sort of prison. We wanted to be together but couldn't. I was so horrified, I woke up crying in a panic. It took me a while to realize it was all just a bad dream, and that he was there right beside me. I cuddled up to him, and felt a little better.

I guess I'll just have to deal with it, and remember tomorrow's a brand new day. I hope when I try to go to sleep, I will fall asleep soon, and perhaps even have a nice dream or two.

I don't like sleeping alone :(