Bye bye bed

Here I am sitting in my bed. The last night I will be sleeping in it, because tomorrow the new bed and mattress are being delivered.
I remember so well when i first moved in with Kel. We were in our little studio by the river.
I was pregnant and we slept on a full size futon. Oh boy.
That futon was fine when we first met, but futons and pregnancy don't go hand in hand. We had to bear it though until we were able to move into our apartment.
When we did, we waited for the tax return and bought the biggest mattress/box spring we could find. King size please! So it could fit a big ol' family if it needed to.

It moved with us to Massachusetts as our family got bigger. Every morning We had coffee in it, every night we watched the news in it. On nights that Kel worked I'm sure he thought about that bad a lot on his long tired drive home in the middle of the night.

When we were out of town we'd say "i can't wait to sleep in our own bed again. And whats better than when you come home tired, to throw yourself in it.

Yet, it is time for the bed to go. It's gotten it's best use, and well, i just don't need such a large bed. More than half of it is unused, and it's taking up space in my room. It's a bit of a painful reminder too to have that big empty space of what isn't anymore.
I do get a bit sentimental about it, because in a way, getting a new bed is yet another confirmation that I'm carrying on without Kelvin. Our bed will now be my bed.
It's little steps, but in a way its big.

It feels as though we are each drifting further apart by me slowly letting go of little things here and there.
Us is turning into me, and I'm slowly creating memories that don't have Kelvin in them by doing things like this, or taking the kids on vacation.
It's scary because it's comforting to hold on to the past, but life doesn't pause.
We have to move forward, but then sometimes I'm afraid i might forget how it felt to have him lay next to me and hug me when he'd come home from work.

I guess I'll go to sleep early tonight and see if I can have some good dreams on my last night in our bed..