I'm still here!

I have just been so busy lately, writing hasn't really been on the top of my list. Though it should have, because my mind is working all day and being able to write stuff down is a great outlet.

Well, I have written stuff down, but more so for myself. It isn't necessarily the stuff I want to share with the world. There has been a lot going on in my life that I don't feel I can share. I sometimes feel like by being a new widow, certain people expect me to behave in a certain way. And I don't like to be judged by people that have no idea what they are talking about.

That might sound dramatic, but just a bit of googling will show you plenty of those short sighted people. A lot of things I wonder about regarding being a widow, I google.
to see how other people deal with it, but really, I shouldn't.
You stumble upon forums. Like the other day.

This lady who was dating a fairly new widower and was wondering about whether he was ready. Even though he had said and showed he was. The responses coming from other people, even widows and widowers, were outraging me. People who did not know this guy, downright claimed he must not have loved his wife. He must be using the woman to heal his wounds, and more of that judgemental crap.
It made me so mad I shut the computer off and went to do something else. How dare these people form an opinion about a person they do not even know. A person who's shoes they are not standing in. And then these fellow widows and widowers, that think just because their spouse died, everyone must act and feel the same as they do.

It is not like that. Every person grieves differently, and picks up their life as best as they can whenever they feel ready to do so.
And that's where it can get harder to blog. Because, the things I am going through now are not really things I wish to share with everyone.
Because people have opinions. Thankfully, not everyone is that way, but I am feeling that certain people have certain expectations from me. Or non expectations, and then when I go against that, they seem shocked. Or they act like they get it, but really they don't.

I am trying my best to move on. Kelvin would want me to. He knows I am not the kind of person to sit down, be depressed and let life pass me by. I want to be out there, open myself to whatever life has to offer me next. It would be foolish to shut myself off to those things. I allow myself to be happy, because that is the kind of person I am. A happy person, that even when the worst of things happen, I try to make the most of it.

I remember when Kelvin was alive sometimes we would briefly talk about what would happen if one of us were to die. Well, it was usually him that brought it up. It would go something like this:
Me: i love you so much, I'll love you forever, I could never love someone else!
Kel: but if something ever happens to me, I want you to be happy, you promise me that right?
Me: I can't even think about that, that will never happen ok?
I'd always brush it off. Too painful to even imagine.

So now I am in that situation. I'm trying to grant Kel's wishes. I have been strong, and I try to find happiness. That is not to say I am never sad. Tears could come at any random moment. I pulled into Home depot the other day, and started crying. Because that was the first time I went there without him.
I just walked into the door right now. And thought about this stupid upcoming Christmas. What are we going to do for dinner? What point is it if I'm the only adult there? And my eyes water up.

And yet, at the same time I can still say I'm happy. One can be happy and grieve at the same time.
And that is why I'm carrying on. Being a widow is very lonely. For 9 years, every day I've had my best friend around. Someone who is always there to give me a hug when I need it. Someone I can share stories about the kids with. Someone to kick back with at night. Someone to watch funny things on tv with so you can both laugh about it together. Someone to sleep next to me at night. And then, all that was gone in the matter of an hour. Just like that.

I'm very lucky to have a lot of friends and family that support me. I'm very grateful for that, but in the end, they all go home to their families. And I'm alone.

So whatever path I choose to go to make myself happy. Please don't judge, because unless you are me, you have no idea. Not the slightest.